How to deal with Anger and Frustration: The complete guide

Deal with Anger and Frustration

Everyone knows what it feels like to be angry or frustrated. It’s that tension that you can’t shake off. It’s that uncontrollable temptation to let it all out. It can be good to express our anger. It shows others what we care about and it can be a motive for change. Unfortunately, we usually act in the heat of the moment. This causes us to do or say things that we didn’t want to. We hurt the ones we love or take it out on those people who deserve it the least. Afterwards, we feel like we’re a bad person, or we feel ashamed. And the worst part of it, is that our message doesn’t come through.

I know that it can be really difficult to control these feelings. Especially when you’re not feeling your best, it’s easy for anger or frustration to take over. When we’re feeling depressed, anxious, or stressed, it’s more difficult for us to regulate our emotions. We just don’t have that extra patience to protect us from being unnice or irritable. Luckily, you can train yourself to gain more control over your anger. If you want to know how to manage your anger, and express your needs without hurting others, this blog post is for you.

Why do we get angry or frustrated?

We get angry or frustrated when we see that our personal rules get broken. Everyone has its own set of values and rules. This personal rulebook gets established during our life and is based on our experiences. When these rules are rigid or are not very flexible it’s easier for us to become angry.

For example: if I think that everyone should be listening to me all the time, this can become a big source of frustration. Since it’s really hard for people to listen constantly, it’s quite likely that your rule will get broken. Thereby the chances of you getting angry or frustrated increase as well. That’s why our personal rules are an important cause of frustration and anger.

We also get angry when:

  • Other people don’t act the way we want them to. For example, when our personal rule is that after dinner the dishes need to be done, we get pissed-off when our partner/roommate doesn’t do this.
  • Unexpected things happen. We humans function by routine. This helps us to prepare ourselves, and to plan our day. When unexpected things happen we get confused, our plans might be disrupted, or we think that we’re not properly prepared. This is something that no-one likes and therefore causes frustration.
  • Someone hurts us. When someone says or does something that hurts us, our instinctive response is to get angry. Anger is a natural response to situations that threaten us, or our beloved ones. Of course behind this anger or rage lies our vulnerability. Many people don’t see or acknowledge this. However, sometimes we can get better results when we speak from our vulnerability. Later I’ll explain you more about this.
Anger and Frustration, irritability, Angry, Frustrated

Use the STOP Action Plan when you notice that you’re becoming Angry

What to do when you’re getting angry or frustrated: The STOP Action Plan 

  1. STOP! The most important thing to do when you notice you’re getting angry is to stop. When you act in the heat of the moment usually the outcome is not the way we want it to be. So give yourself some time. I know that stopping is more easily  said than done. Some of the following tips might help:
    1. Go to another room (if you’re in a restaurant go to the bathroom).
    2. Ask for a break. If you already started to talk about the topic that makes you angry ask for a break. Tell the other one that you notice you’re getting angry and that you prefer to talk about it when you’re feeling calm again.
    3. Take some deep breaths. Our mind and body are connected. When we relax our body we also get calmer mentally. Try to take some deep abdominal breaths.
  2. Analyze the situation.  It doesn’t end with a time-out. Now we have to analyze the situation. Why am I feeling angry exactly? What causes me to feel hurt or annoyed? Am I seeing things the way they are? What are the facts? Are there any alternative explanations to my interpretation?
  3. Think about your goals. Think about what your goal is in the situation. What is it you want to reach when you express your frustration or anger? Sometimes when we fight we get the opposite result of what we want. For example: if your goal is to spend more quality time with our partner, it’s not a smart idea to start a fight on the household when you’re finally alone with him/her. Instead show that you appreciate this moment by saying something like “I loved our time together today. I would really like to do this more often”. Thinking about your goals can help you to decide on starting the fight or not, and to think what your anger is really about.
  4. Try to be empathic. When other people are involved, being empathic can help us to calm down. By putting ourselves in the other person’s position we get a better understanding of the situation. Why didn’t he/she listen to you? Maybe he’s tired or maybe he had a crappy day. To you this might not seem a good excuse but think about it: How come the other is behaving the way he is? Have you ever felt this way? How did you behave? What did you most need in this moment?
  5. Decide to act or not to act. Now that you’ve reflected on the situation you might have a better idea about what caused you to be frustrated or angry. Also, you might have discovered that the other one might have its reasons for acting the way he does. This information can help you to make a better decision about what to do. Is it worth it to start a fight? Will I be able to express my needs without hurting or offending the other one?
  6. Act. If you decide to act, use the following tips to make sure your message gets along, without hurting the other one. If you decide not to act, try to say this to yourself “I’m not going to fight over this, it won’t get me anywhere”. By saying it you’ll be more likely to control yourself.

How to express your needs without offending others

Express needs, Angry, Frustrated, Anger, Frustration, Fights

Fights can have a positive outcome. Use the following tips to find out how.

  • Bring up one issue at a time. Only talk about the thing that matters to you. For example if you want to talk about the fact that you would like to go out more, don’t start about other issues like: “you’re also extremely lazy, you never do anything”, or “I don’t like the way you behave when we’re at my parents place”. This tends to make the other one angry as well, and you might get to hear all the things he/she doesn’t like about you instead of solving the issue.
  • Be brief and concise. Don’t go on ranting about why you’re angry and how bad it is what the other person has done. Instead be brief and describe exactly what bothers you. You can say something like: “when you do “this” (swear, shout at me, don’t do the groceries, don’t want to watch a movie with me etc.), I feel bad/sad/shocked” etc., or “This is something that bothers me because…”. Then end with “I wanted to talk about this with you and find a solution together.” “What do you think?”.
  • Let the other one respond. Give the other person a moment to respond. He/she can use this moment to explain himself, apologize, or offer a solution. Try to listen to what the other one has to say before you answer.
  • Use I-sentences instead of you-sentences. When we fight we tend to say things like “you’re cold” or “you’re irresponsible”. This makes other people more likely to feel offended. Try to say how the behavior of the other one affects YOU instead. For example: “It made ME feel sad when you forgot the appointment with my friends the other day”. By focusing on yourself the other one will be more open to what you have to say.
  • Don’t generalize. Don’t use words like “always” or “never” when you describe the other person’s behavior. No-one always behaves in the same way and by saying this you can make the other person angry. Instead use words like “sometimes”, or “in the weekend” to describe the frequency of the behavior.
  • Use your vulnerability. I know that this rule might sound difficult to many of you but it is one of the most effective tools there is. Try to tell the other one what you need and how you would feel if the other one would do this for you. This can be way more effective then when you blame the other one for not doing something. For example: saying that you would feel happier if your partner would ask you about your day will more likely get a positive response then saying “you never ask me about my day, you’re so uncaring”.
  • Look for a solution. Always try to look for solutions instead of focusing on the issue. Brainstorm about possible solutions with the other one. Try to settle on a compromise you both feel comfortable with. If you don’t find one straight away decide on another moment to talk about it.
  • Say thanks. Thank the other person for listening to you and for being willing to find a solution. This will increase the possibility that the other one will listen to you the next time you want to tell him/her something.

As you can see, anger does not have to control us. We can train ourselves to be calmer and at the same time express our needs without having to “take everything”.

Feel free to share your opinion about the tips and the STOP Action Plan. Also, if you have any questions about dealing with anger and frustration, please share them. I’ll gladly answer them.

If after reading this article you feel like you’re struggling and you would like to work on this, you can call me for a free 15-minute phone consultation on +34 626 653 339, or send an e-mail through the contact form.

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