Sex Therapy Archives - Lisette Zeeuw M.Sc.

We talk about sex a lot. But what do we really talk about? Maybe about whom we had sex with, what we did, or where. But we rarely talk about the more interesting stuff. Those beliefs we have but we’re afraid to share, or those questions we never ask. I belief this is caused by the many many taboos that still surround sex.

That’s why I think it’s time to talk about sexual myths. In this article I will explain some of the 5 biggest myths about sex that I see in my sessions.

1. All women can have an orgasm through penetration

This is a widespread belief. However, it is not true. Don’t worry if you’ve never had an orgasm through penetration. Only 30% of all women is able to orgasm through penetration. The rest of women need clitoral stimulation to be able to orgasm. The funny thing is that a vaginal orgasm is actually also a clitoral orgasm. How come?

The clitoris is relatively big. The back of the clitoris reaches the vaginal wand. This is why during penetration you can feel a pleasurable sensation. Logically though, the front part of the clitoris has way more nerve endings than the back part. That’s why it’s easier and more frequent to have a clitoral orgasm.

2. If you love your partner enough, you should know what he/she likes

This is one of those thoughts that we don’t speak about. It is similar to: “good sex should happen magically”. We usually think that it is stupid not to know how to please our partner. Or that it’s annoying for our partner to hear that he/she could change something. This is why many people struggle to have passionate sex.

But knowing what our partner likes has nothing to do with how much we love them. Sex is like learning a new language. You have to get to know the words to form a phrase. And you have to expand your vocabulary to reach the other person. In order to learn what your partner likes you have to ask him/her and get to know him/her better. Every person is different and every person has different tastes and a different body. And talking about these things can be very exciting. Your partner might be happy you bring up the subject!

3. Men are always in the mood

Many women think that men are always in the mood. However, as for women this is not true. Men, just like women, have ups and downs in their sexual desire. That’s why I think it’s time to take away some of the pressure on men. Men can also feel just like hugging or cuddling. And they have feelings too! They can be tired, moody or they might just want to do other things.

Moreover, it’s also possible for women to have a bigger desire than men. I think that the important thing is to discuss your wishes with your partner and try to make it work together.

4. I should give my partner sex

Hearing this phrase makes me feel really bad. I think it parts from so many wrong premises; The fact that sex is not enjoyable for you. The fact that sex is a right. Sex should be enjoyable for the both of you. If you feel like this is something you should give to your partner, you’re definitely not having fun. Also, please remember that your body is yours and yours only.

Furthermore, I think it’s important to ask yourself why you’re not enjoying sex right now. Maybe there are things you would like to change about your sex life. For example you could agree with your partner on the things you like or the timing you both prefer. However, if sex hasn’t been good for you for a while, it might be a good idea to see a sex therapist.

What is important to know though, is that sometimes it does work to fake it (your mood that is) until you make it. Sometimes we don’t feel like having sex but when we’re at it for a while, our body and mind respond and we can still have a good time. Try to figure out what the cause of your lack of desire is and try to work on improving it. A sex therapist can help you with this.

5. Coming simultaneously is the best (and only) way to come

This is one of those myths that has been going around forever. In nearly every movie and every book you’ll see the protagonists coming at the same time. This is not reality though. First of all, it is not easy to come on the same time. You would have to plan it carefully. And also, most people differ in the amount of time they need to orgasm. So one of you would have to wait. This could just become a little bit artificial.

Second of all, there is really no benefit in coming together. Trying to come at the same moment takes your attention away from enjoying the moment. I think this is such a shame, and I think we should really ban this myth.

Let’s break the taboos!

Like I said in the beginning of this article, there are still many taboos around sex. I find it my mission to talk about them and discuss them openly. I hope you found the article helpful. Feel free to share it!

If you would like to ask questions about sex in a taboo free environment, feel free to call me: +34 616 341 631, or message me through the contact form.

I think that all women should have the chance to experience an orgasm. Unfortunately, this is not the case.

Research shows that at least 25% of all women have an orgasm dysfunction (inability to reach orgasm). I think that’s sad. We all deserve to be able to orgasm!

So how is it that so many women are not able to orgasm? What makes it difficult for them to reach this ultimate pleasure? There are many different causes that can play a role in not being able to orgasm. In this article I’ll share the most common causes with you, and how to overcome them.

The myths of masturbation. Many people still think that masturbation is wrong or dirty, or that you can get diseases from it. This is absolutely not true! Masturbation is completely healthy. It can help you to discover your body and find out what you like. This can help you to reach orgasm and to experience greater pleasure during sex. Solo, it can be easier to come since you can control the stimulation and intensity. Also, you can use your masturbation experience to explain your partner what you like. So if you’re trying to reach an orgasm: try to masturbate more often!

Focus on the vagina, not clitoris. Many women think they can only get an orgasm through penetration, or that vaginal orgasms are superior to clitoral orgasms. It is important to know that most women are unable to reach orgasm through vaginal stimulation. Clitoral stimulation is way more effective in order to reach orgasm. This is because the clitoris has way more nerve endings than the vaginal wand, and therefore is way more sensitive.
Also, vaginal orgasms are actually created by clitoral stimulation. Huh? Yes, the clitoris is rather big and the back of the clitoris can be stimulated from the inside of the vagina. Vaginal orgasms are therefore caused by clitoral stimulation as well. So the short story of this is: if you want to have a bigger chance to get an orgasm; focus on the clitoris!

Lack of knowledge. Most women who have problems to reach orgasm have little knowledge about their body and their needs. Do you know where your clitoris is? And your urethra? And does your partner? A good way to gain more knowledge about your body is to check your genitals in a mirror. Try to check the different shapes and parts. You could also touch them to see the differences in sensitivity and pleasure they give you. Take the time to discover yourself. Another question that I hear a lot is: “How do I find my clitoris”?: A good trick to find the clitoris is to draw a line with your finger, from your belly button downwards. When you reach a soft round bump, you’ve found your clitoris!

Thinking it is wrong to masturbate in a relationship. Many people think it is wrong to masturbate when you’re in a relationship. However, this is not true. Masturbation is very normal in a relationship. About 85% of men and 45% of women masturbate in a relationship. Some people find it exciting to see their partner masturbate, so it can even be a nice addition to your sex life. Also, masturbation can improve your sexual desire and can be a healthy way to deal with a partner who has a lower desire than you.

Thinking more about your partner than about you. Most people think a lot about their partner’s pleasure when they’re having sex. Of course this is great. It’s a great gift to give pleasure to your partner. However, for women it’s very important to focus on themselves in order to get an orgasm. So when you notice you’re getting more excited try to focus completely and utterly on yourself for a while. Just enjoy the sensations and pleasurable feelings. This is not being selfish, it’s enjoying the pleasure your partner is giving you!

Pain. This is a really important cause for woman failing to reach orgasm. Many women have or have had sex when they were not (yet) physically ready for it. This can be painful and can cause your muscles or vagina to become tense in anticipation of pain in further occasions. I want to say here that you should never ever experience pain during sex, since it beats all purposes.
So how do I prevent pain? Foreplay is an important factor here. On average, women need about 20-30 minutes of excitement and foreplay to be wet and swollen enough. This surprises many people, especially men, which is probably why only 22% of the people take their time for foreplay. Wait until you’re ready. Sex shouldn’t be painful, ever! You could also try a lubricant. A lubricant can help to make everything go more smoothly, and can enhance pleasure. If the pain doesn’t go away it’s recommendable to see a gynaecologist or a sex therapist.

Inability to let go. Many women have the idea that letting go of themselves is “slutty”, or they’re afraid of what their partner might think of them when they let go. Enjoying sex is not in any way slutty. Many partners actually love it when you let go. If you have a partner who comments on this or doesn’t make you feel sexually free, consider to discuss this with him. In order to let go, try to focus on what you’re feeling and doing. Try to enjoy all the sensations and if any negative thoughts comes up try to focus again on what you’re doing.

Focus on the genitals and the genitals only. Many men and women only focus on the genitals while trying to make their partners orgasm. Luckily though, there are many more erogenous zones on the body. For many women it is highly pleasurable to be touched/kissed on the thighs, ears, neck, hands, lips, feet, butt, and on the inside of the arms. Being kissed and touched on these other zones of your body can increase your pleasure and tension, and can bring you closer to an orgasm.

Not being able to say what you like to your partner. Many people feel afraid of telling their partner what they like. They’re afraid their partner might think they have weird taste or that it “breaks the mood”. But think about it, by not telling your partner what you like, he will just do what he thinks is best! He might miss out on certain spots or he might not stimulate you with the right intensity. Don’t be afraid of telling your partner what you like. Many partners find it helpful when their partner guides them a little bit. There are even partners who find it exciting to see a woman who knows what she wants.

In summary:

Try to masturbate more often.
Focus on your clitoris.
Sex shouldn’t be painful, ever!
Take your time for foreplay.
Take the time to discover yourself.
Masturbating in a relationship is normal.
Try to let go.
Try out all the erogenous zones of the body.

Everyone can orgasm!

Even though it sometimes might seem difficult or impossible to orgasm it’s good to know that everyone is able to. I hope this post has helped you to gain some ideas on the causes and possible solutions to reach orgasm.

If you feel like you’re struggling and you would like to know more, feel free to contact me through the contact page or call me: + 34 616 341 631.

Category Archives: Sex Therapy

The 5 biggest Myths about Sex